I know I have mentioned in the past that I have panic disorder, but I haven't really written very much about it on this blog. Today seems as good a day as any to do so.
I have had panic attacks since age 18. I think what started it was a discussion I was having with a guy I was dating at the time. His mother had killed herself, and we were discussing our thoughts on death. I don't know if it just never really occurred to me before to feel panic about death, but in that moment I certainly was in a panic. My heart started racing and I was hyperventilating. Before I knew it, I was in the throes of a horrible panic attack. I'm not sure what finally calmed me, but in the back of my mind I began to become concerned that I had some kind of physical ailment that caused all of the strange physical reactions.
This was the beginning of 3 years of worrying about my health. I ended up in the ER a couple of times with particularly out-of-control attacks. They would hook me up to the machines to check my stats, and of course eventually my panic attack would run its course. When I settled down, they'd disconnect me and just send me home with no answers. Finally,during my last trip to the ER for panic, one of the hospital orderlies was chatting with me. I explained that I just want some answers. He then said to me 'Well, my sister had similar symptoms, and ultimately was diagnosed with Panic Disorder'. I thanked him and told him I would look into it.
Later that day, I found a website with symptoms of Panic Disorder. As I began to read the list, my mouth dropped. It was like reading a list made specifically for me. I was flabbergasted! All this time, those trips to the ER, and no one ever suggested it to me before?! I was a bit furious, to be honest with you.
As time has gone by, I realize why it was not mentioned to me: many traditional doctors do not take such disorders very seriously. They figure that it is psychosomatic and not 'real'. They figure that people who suffer from it simply are wimps, weaklings and just need to get a grip on themselves. Then, of course, is the fact that many doctors feel very uncomfortable with anything that even remotely resembles a mental disorder.
Let me get one thing straight, however: Panic Disorder is *NOT* a mental disorder. There are both physical and mental components. I can tell you that, for myself, hormones definitely make things worse. From mid-cycle until menstruation, I definitely am more prone to panic attacks.
It also can be hereditary. I did not grow up with my siblings, and so it was only after turning 25 that I even met some of them. The topic of anxiety did not come about until after I turned 30. It was then that I realized that every single female in our family has some form of anxiety. Three of us have panic attacks, and all three of us developed them around the same age (late teens).
What are the odds that all 3 of us, who grew up in 3 very different homes, developed panic attacks?
Anyway, so I wanted to post this today....mainly because I've been having some anxiety feelings for a while now. It's been particularly rough this year. I find it has cycles that are sometimes hard to pull out of.
There are many great sources online for panic disorder. Here's one blog I particularly like: http://panicanddepression.blogspot.com/
and here's another
I have coping mechanisms for it, which are definitely helpful. I may go through some of those with you all soon. But for now, time to go do some breathing exercises.....
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