On The Chalkboard This Week: Issun Boshi
"Well, my goodness, where in the world have you been, Witchy Mom?!" Right here. It's been a very busy and lively time around here, and exhausting and over-stimulating and all of the things that go along with that.
We are in full-throttle, get-the-house-ready-to-sell, busy mode. One thing that is particularly challenging about preparing for an international move is that, unless you have an unlimited supply of money, you really should plan to get rid of a good 3/4 of your stuff before moving. It is simply too expensive to try to ship an entire household overseas, not to mention fairly impractical because you will likely discover many of those items will not serve you in your new climate/location.
To add to that excitement of preparing for a move, we're preparing our home to sell. We've only lived in this house for a few years, and yet in that time there are a few repairs that still need to be done. It's amazing how a house can accumulate scars, if you will, from the simple act of housing a small family!
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I'm finding myself more and more removed from things and people here, mainly by my own design (it's fair to say). It took some time to realize that the majority of people in our life here have been...unreliable at best. We have been systematically ignored, and even outright scorned, by various individuals and groups, mainly for the fact that we are outsiders in many ways.
I mean, I grew up within a 30 minute drive from here, and yet I feel zero connection to the majority of people here. My family had abandoned me back in 2000 when my mother died. Apparently they figured that since I am not of their precious DNA line (I was adopted as a baby), that the only tie that kept me dangling onto the fringes of their illustrious family was broken when my mom died. I took this rejection and realization hard (as you can imagine), and yet it was not a huge surprise given that I often felt left-out and treated differently by "The Family" (tm) all my life.
My step father (never a pleasant man, to be sure) moved on with his life about a year after Mom died, and left me to my own devices at that point. I was essentially made an orphan, with no siblings, and only one or two cousins who would even acknowledge my existence (and only one who would actually stay in any kind of regular touch).
I was a (wo)man without a home. I had returned from my three years in New York (where I finished up college and met and married the father of my oldest child) to discover that many of my friends from high school had moved on, either literally in a physical sense, or figuratively in the sense that they were caught up in their own lives and were happy not to include me.
So here I was, in an unhappy marriage, my Mom had died (and her family completely abandoning me), with no one to turn to, no support system in place, feeling alienated from a place I had known my entire life. Is it any wonder that finally, after years of being beaten down by everything in my life, I agreed to move overseas and try for a new life? At the end of the day, what do I really have to lose? I'll miss my oldest (who still is choosing to stay in the US for college), but what can I do about that? I can't force her to come with us. I have to let her live her own life, trying to support her in whatever way I can from far away. That thought is rather painful for me, but so does remaining here where not only am I not supported, but where I am actually increasingly feeling less and less welcome.
My children deserve some kind of support system around them. Who will take care of them if something happens to me? They certainly would not be cared for by my so-called "family of origin", my "friends" could also care less whether my children lived or died. At least my husband's family has shown over the years that they *DO* want my children in their lives. They've shown they care. Sure, they have their own set of issues (what family doesn't?), but at the end of the day, they will be a good support system for my children, and by extension myself and my husband.
It is with a somewhat heavy heart that I resign to defeat here. I'm not one to give in easily, and I think I've fought the good fight. My country is not the same wonderful country I had imagined it to be all my life, my "family" also turned out to be a huge disappointment, friends have been few and far between (and incredibly unreliable at best). Our finances are just barely allowing us to cling to some semblance of "hanging on" (yes, I realize that's very arrogant to say, because I know many live in far worse conditions, but honestly, we are likely 2 paychecks away from serious financial problems...not a fun place to be). We're nearly completely isolated, no support system whatsoever, and our prospects few.
It's hard to realize that our best option is to move overseas...but at the same time, after we did our research, we realized that we will have *FAR* more opportunities there.
Not only will we have a support system (family *AND* some friends, what a concept!), but the economy of Australia is in MUCH better shape than here in the US. We're told that we're the greatest country in the world, but c'mon folks, wake up. A little digging will reveal to you the error of that thinking.
I don't mean to be a tin-foil-hat-wearing sort, but recognize that something is very wrong. I will be honest with you: as much as I'd really, really, really like to stay here and be part of those trying to set up a new system of living (barter, peace, standing up for our rights, etc), I honestly just no longer have the emotional or physical energy to do so. I'm sorry to leave this task to those of you who choose to stay, and I hope that your efforts towards keeping people healthy and happy succeed. I don't like the idea of my country potentially going through something yucky, in particular because my oldest child will still be here and presumably caught in the crosshairs.
I simply have given up...and herein lies the most important reason I must leave. I feel myself sinking into something I assume must be depression, and I cannot allow that to happen. My apathy, and constant feeling of exhaustion tells me that I'm heading to a bad place. My weight is higher than it's ever been, because part of me seriously could care less about it. I somehow manage to pull together energy each day to do a few tasks that will help get our home ready for sale, and of course give energy to my children for homeschooling and parenting. Beyond that, I'm feeling myself sinking deeper into some sort of pit of despair, as I realize there is literally nothing whatsoever here for me (other than my oldest).
No one here truly and honestly gives a shit about me. This is a fact. Please don't try to make some well-intended comment below suggesting otherwise. If I don't really know you in my "real life", then your kind words will be appreciated, however realize they will not be able to help affect our day-to-day lives. Kind words do not give us regular support...it doesn't give my kids a community around them of people we can spend time with who will care for my children, give my children fun memories, etc....and there is no way out of the financial pit I have dug for myself. It's a simple fact that I will never live long enough to make enough money to pay off my student loans....and that, too, is a fact. I'm not super interested in seeing what our benevolent system has in store for me moving forward, once the piper comes....and they will....to find some way to (possibly literally) try to squeeze blood from a stone. No thanks. I'll keep paying the amount we've agreed upon each month, and thank the maker that the debt does not get passed down to my children.
I suppose there is some mercy, after all.
The mourning of the loss of my entire family and friend circles has been profound. Naturally, part of me says "Well, Dummy, what's the common denominator here?"
Yeah, of course, that's me.
It is *ME* who is not "good enough" for my family and friends. It is *ME* they cannot seem to find a place for in their hearts and in their lives to love me unconditionally. It is *ME* who will not play along nicely with their disfunctional lives, *ME* whose filter doesn't work very well when it comes to expressing truthful opinions, *ME* who doesn't accept superficialness. It is *ME* who is rejected for these and many more reasons. I'm the one who apparently cannot play nicely with others. I'm the one who is often too tired to be a regular at functions where I'm barely acknowledged, despite me being friendly when I'm there.
OK, so fine. You've all won. You've all managed to successfully keep me out of your exclusive clubs, your exclusive families, and your elite friend circles. You've done a brilliant job of making me feel unwanted and unloved. Yup, it all worked. I finally gave in and realized that my home...really, simply is not home anymore. I must, therefore, find a new home. I *MUST* do this, if only for my children and their happiness.
I refuse to sit by and watch my children grow up feeling so isolated, unwanted and unloved in this world. Life can be hard enough without feeling you have to go through it alone. At the very least, I can make life a little bit better, a little bit easier, a little more supported, for my kids (and my husband).
I will do whatever it takes to help my kids avoid ever feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I don't want my children to ever feel that in order to have happiness, they need to leave their country.
As for myself, if I don't leave, I know that I will simply continue to spiral further and further down until my body finally just gives out. In essence, this is my last-ditch effort to save my own life.
I know this isn't a cheerful post. I'm sorry. I would like to say, however, that amidst all of this angst,
I honestly do have a candle of hope burning inside of me.
That candle of hope is what will light the way forward. If I didn't see any hope, I wouldn't bother to try to leave...I'd just slide deeper and deeper into despair and fade off into the dust, leaving my children without a mother and without any kind of support system (besides their father). That may seem like enough for some people, but please....admit it, life really isn't worth living if too much of it is spent isolated and alone. We are herd animals, and as such...well, we need a herd!
I'm going in search of a new herd for my children, my husband, and myself. Hopefully, it will bring us more prosperity, more adventures, and more of a connection with a community.
I cannot just sink into my chair and die here. I may be becoming apathetic, but there is still a little fire in me. Please, World, don't count me out just yet. I'm not done making a mark on the world. I *DO* have positive contributions to make. I *CAN* be a good community citizen, and I can send my children into the world with a loving foundation upon which to chart their own courses.
I can't be done yet. I can't let this life completely defeat me. Not yet.
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