Thank you to Nu(de) Motivation for my inspiration!
I am sorry to get a bit 'off topic' for those hoping for some homeschool activities, but this is definately ON topic in regards to natural living, which I feel ultimately spills over into being a great homeschooling mom. The above pic for Nu(de) Motivation project (see my sidebar for links) I feel was drawn specifically for ME! That is my body! This is a harsh reality to step into, because I am really starting to 'get it'. What do I get, you ask?
Each year at this time of year, I spend more time in introspection, and this year is no exception. My quest has been to live a more authentic life. This has meant defining goals and dreams, as well as being incredibly honest with myself about the things I want to work on within myself. I've known that I want to co-create a healthier body. I didn't quite realize the huge elephant in the room (the pun is not neccessarily intended!) that I was avoiding/ignoring.
As it sometimes happens, having a good old-fashioned disagreement with my husband brought some very interesting things up for me! Isn't it interesting how sometimes a bit of yelling, crying, kicking and screaming (ok, I might be exaggerating a bit here) can really provoke those inner thoughts to finally bubble to the surface and explode?
As you'll see later on, the following was just the catalyst: Our disagreement was about my in-laws, who (as I have written about before) are a challenge at times. I wish I could be more 'enlightened' and/or pretend to see only their good sides (as I know some people are very good at doing in their lives), but these people have gone out of their way to be mean to me for 6 years now. Yes, I DO realize that it is MY reaction to them that matters. I do not have to accept the poor behavior, and I finally have put the boundaries up around me to ensure they do not have access to my emotions any longer.
I am not saying that they do not have a good side, because they certainly do. What I am saying is that they do not decide to show that side to me very often. During our disagreement over my in-laws poor behavior toward me, I blurted out 'Just how much weight do I need to gain for you to see and hear me?! Don't you see all the pain I'm in? Can't you see that all the pain in my life over the last 10 years or so is sitting right on my hips, stomache, and @$$?? Each pound of flab on me represents uncried tears and unspoken anger! It represents needing to be seen and heard, and yet no one sees and hears me!'
That's when I did a total double take! Woah! What did I just say back there?! Please don't misunderstand: I am not blaming my in-laws for my weight gain. I started gaining weight during my marriage to my ex-husband (who was notorious for not seeing or hearing me...or caring). My current husband DOES care, but he has some issues expressing his own emotions, let alone dealing with anyone elses'. Not to mention the fact that I need to take responsibility for how I react to those around me.
I am also not saying that it is my husband's fault that I've continued to gain weight. This is totally all under my control. If I didn't feel my husband was seeing or hearing me, I could have decided that either I didn't NEED for him to see or hear me, or I could have found other outlets. Granted, that is not a terribly ideal situation for me. I want to be able to have open and honest communication with my husband and have emotional needs met. That's the real rub then, isn't it? What is reasonable to 'expect' from a spouse?
Should we even HAVE expectations? Some folks would say we should not have such strong attachments and expectations. If that's true, then what to do about the need to be seen and heard?
I guess I'm still working on that part.
IN THE MOMENT that I blurted all of that out about my weight gain being about needing to be seen and heard, and that it was 'pent up pain and anger manifesting as a physical ailment', I felt a HUGE sense of relief wash over me.
All these years, I had never been able to define it like this before. I feel SO much freer now that I FINALLY reached a level inside of myself that I wasn't able to reach! If I can release the pain and anger, I can reclaim the healthy body I know I have under here. With a healthier body and mind, I can be the best person, wife and mom that I can be.
The best lesson I can teach my children is to find the peace within myself that I know is there. I see many glimpses of it frequently! I am making peace with my body, and honoring its messages to me.
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Mantra for this week: I hear you, body. I see you. I see your pain. I am ready to release this pain. It no longer serves me. I forgive those who caused the pain, and I forgive myself for adding to it. I now choose to let it ALL go. I choose to flush out of my body that which no longer is serving me. I will feel the pain authentically, instead of eating to numb it. I will take time to see and hear you each day and allow healing to be activated. So Mote It Be!
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