Family Drama

Autumn on the Countertop

I know this isn't why you come to this blog. I've tried in the past to keep family stuff out of this blog as much as possible, but sometimes it seems like homeschool life can't completely be divorced from family life. Should it be? Can I just pretend life is fine when some part of it isn't?

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These aren't my words, but they might as well be. I'm just going to leave this here...

I took the time today and wrote down my feelings...the raw truth:

You wanna know what’s sad? When you raise someone for 18 years and you spend those years providing for them, supporting them, sheltering them, teaching them, laughing with them, crying with them, feeding them, clothing them, and most importantly loving them. Then one day, someone comes along, manipulates them, changes them, then steals them away from you. 

Their family takes the person in, that you raised, and they never look back. They leave you, your entire family, their pets, their sick grandfather, their home, and their entire life....behind. Gone. Like none of it mattered. And you’re left there, shattered into a million pieces in a gigantic puddle of tears. You spend your days and nights crying. For months. And the pain never goes away, it never gets easier, ever. You spend weeks, then months wondering what you did wrong, if the person you created ever really loved you, where they are, who they’re with, or if they’re alive or dead. 

Yet you need to put on a strong facad

e and continue living. You’re still a wife and a mom to others who are counting on you. You spend days cleaning out their belongings, going through old memories, pictures, books, clothing, all of it...only to bring you happier times which makes you cry all over again. It’s literally like mental torture. It consumes you like a disease. You feel bad for your other family members but you mostly feel bad for yourself because you know the most important person in your life should be your mother. It’s not fair. Any of it. You fear it’s never going to get better. 

The holidays are quickly approaching and the thought of waking up Christmas morning without them is nowhere near full of spirit but instead full of impending misery. How will I survive birthdays, holidays, everyday, forever without them? How will I continue on for those that are left behind? It’s like a death with no closure. There are endless days of grief and many more ahead with no end in sight. They miss important milestones, and important family time they can’t get back. 

You know they will live in regret someday and yet you still want to save them from future pain even though they’re causing you the most extreme emotional pain you’ve ever felt. You find yourself spending what seems like hours each day staring out the window with each passing car hoping it’s them coming back to reconcile. You wait for the phone to ring, hoping for something good, fearing the worst. You wake up each day thinking maybe this is the day, but go to bed each night with tears on your pillow because today wasn’t the day you hoped for. This is not how I pictured my life all those years ago. The family I created, we created, is forever tarnished and will never be the same again. All because someone came along and stole my daughter. The memories I have I will keep close to my heart. Hopefully someday they’re not as agonizing. Hopefully someday I will be able to deal with such loss. Hopefully someday she’ll be back. Hopefully someday I will get my daughter back.

Until then, I’ll be waiting, looking out the window.

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Those are someone else's words, and so of course not all of it is 100% applicable, but much of it is. My heart breaks every day since my oldest estranged herself from me (and our family). I would not wish this pain on anyone. At the same time, my other kiddos need me, and so...I get up each day and go through the motions of being a somewhat intact and whole person. My dear, sweet child: I will always love you, no matter what.