Today's posting is a big more personal, but who ever said I had to 'stick to the script' and only post about earth-centered living? Actually, if you think about it, the topic of Forgiveness does fit in with living more gently upon the earth.
As some of you know from reading previous postings on the matter, I have not always gotten along swimmingly with some of my in-laws. It has not been for a lack of trying on my part. This fact distressed me greatly for years, particularly in light of the fact that my husband did not quite want to admit (mainly to himself) that I indeed **HAD** put in efforts with his family, and yet they had acted very unreasonably toward me. They have displayed behaviors on occasion over the years that finally opened his eyes to see some of the points I had been trying to make.
I am not attempting to say that I am completely innocent. I am sure that I have ways about me that (for whatever reason) seem insulting or otherwise difficult for my in-laws to accept. Personally, I can wholeheartedly attest that none of my behaviors were meant to intentionally insult anyone. I cannot say the same for the actions by my in-laws...and the reason I can say that so assuredly is because they have actually admitted to purposely intending to insult or otherwise mistreat me.
You can imagine how difficult it would be to try to forgive people who do not treat you properly, and who also have not made any efforts to apologize or try to make things right again. Without an apology, one is not encouraged to forgive. With repeated slights and passive-aggressive remarks, it is easy to stay in state of irritation with those people.
Well, here we are in an uncertain world and in uncertain times. I look around me and I see that my children are going to have different challenges ahead of them than I had as a child. They are growing up in the shadow of peak oil. They are living in a world of growing social unrest. Financial systems are fragile (at best), and I don't even know exactly what to tell my children to look forward to.
Our family is now considering some drastic moves. We want a lifestyle where we can live peacefully in this world without being severely in debt and living with barely enough to thrive. The more we consider this, the more it makes sense for us to spend some time abroad. Our time abroad could really help us earn a lump of money that would go toward our housing. It would allow us to feel a bit more secure so that if employment opportunities ever dry up, we will be less likely to be in a position where we would lose our home.
This time abroad is going to mean being closer to my in-laws and seeing them more frequently. In my heart, I know that it is not healthy for me to carry around anger. I also know that it will certainly not improve relations with them if I cannot find some room in my heart for forgiveness and a basic desire to live in peace.
I **DO** desire to live in peace with these people, however my OLD definition of living in peace with my in-laws meant that I would simply not have as much to do with them. If we're living closer to them, then of course that means my entire 'strategy' (if you will) needs to change. I do not want the time we spend living near them to be filled with angst for me. I want to look forward to the experience and make the most of what time we'll be there.
This is possibly the only chance all of us will have to spend a large block of time with the in-laws. If the world economy goes in the direction I think it will, traveling by plane to visit people is going to become more and more difficult. Also, let's not forget that my in-laws are not getting any younger. In 10 years time (for example) we may have fewer family members still around, and I would not want my children or my husband to miss the chance to spend time with his family while they still can.
The anger and frustration I've felt toward these people have created some health issues for me. My anxiety is higher, I am more obese (which I blame in great part on the anger I have toward my in-laws and my husband for his role in enabling them to hurt me emotionally). I do not want to be in poor health. I want to be vibrant and energetic so that I can enjoy my life and my children's lives.
For these reasons, I need to allow forgiveness into my heart for these people. This is a big challenge for me, but one I am willing to embark upon. Forgiveness will allow me to tend to my own physical health with a glad and peaceful heart. It will mean I don't eat constantly as a way to punish my husband for his attitude regarding the issues with his family. Perhaps I can even learn to forgive my husband for past hurts. Forgiveness has not always come easy to me, but I cannot let that get in my way.
I need to live more gently within my own heart and within my own life if I have any hopes of living more gently upon the earth. I need to find the forgiveness that will help me be the kind of person I want to be.
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